As my son and I were praying this morning he said something that struck me. "Please help me be big like Papa and not little like me."
My husband (Papa) is 6'2", dark skinned, with a fantastic collection of curls. I, on the other hand am the opposite: short, round, and fair, with strait as a board hair. I have been know to say that these physical features were the reasons that I chose mi esposo; but that somehow my children ended up looking just like me (mock seriousness).
My four year old is already aware of what he isn't. He is already praying for alterations in his appearance. Maybe his comment is sweet, and a reflection of natural observances; a desire to emulate his father. But maybe it isn't. I listen to myself and my friends regularly critique ourselves. I know the state of my self esteem is kind of like pudding; a veil coating of strength, but easily punctured and oozy (though very tasty:)). But have I passed on that self depreciation on to my son, and eventually my other children? How do we instill esteem into people? I don't know if an adult's esteem can be altered. Though I'd like to be wrong- it doesn't appear that anything will change the deep down honest opinion of ourselves (or maybe just my opinion of myself). But I desperately want my children to be equipped with the shield of high self esteem- to know with out a doubt of their worth.
My childhood memories are seared with words that shaped my self worth. Said in innocence, a parent or teacher can easily pigeon-hole a child with a single phrase. "Your best feature is your lips", "You're a homebody like me", "Some people are not coordinated enough for sports" In my young mind, these comments were twisted into absolute truths of degradation. I believed that nothing was pretty about me except my lips. That I must not like to ever be social, and to never try to dance or play sports because I lacked the coordination. The intention was innocent- the result was my personal pudding.
So a question to the blogging community at large: How can I give my children high self-esteem? How can I make them not hate to look in the mirror? How can I help them believe that they are perfect as they are? (obvious personal growth excepted)
Friday, September 7, 2007
Through the Looking Glass
Posted by zippity-do-da at 11:37 AM
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10 comments:
Brilliant post.
Plantboy once said, "I'd love to have a little Hispanic daughter." I laughed and said, "Then you should have married a little Hispanic wife."
I too think women are really good at projecting our various anxieties and complexes onto our children--male and female. I once asked Scallywag whose boy he was, Mommy's or Daddy's. He looked confused for a moment and said, "I'm just my OWN boy." I nearly cried as I hugged and kissed him. Oh! That we could all learn such a marvelous sense of independence and esteem at such a young age and then hang on to it for the rest of our lives.
If I had a nickle for everytime I had to remind mi esposo that I am not Latin...
this is all too smart for me! and i am not a mother. i don't have much to say but if you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. end of quote. from napolian dynamite! get it...never mind. but i think you should write a book!:)
oh and the main character would be a girl named sadie who is beautiful and nice and everyone loves her! kk
Dearest Electric Orange Ex-centric,
Sounds like you should stop listening to what other people say about you!! Self-esteem (I believe) is just that...-From the SELF. It is how YOU feel about you, which I think can be derived from one thing- the knowledge that we are all equally children of God with divine potential. There is nothing more treasured and valuable as that knowledge. I believe your young man's comment to be a expression of the love of his Dad, and his desire to be like him.
Be the optimist that sees the good in all things instead of the bad!
"Your lips are beautiful" does NOT mean everything else is pitiful.
As for children, I'm not sure 'HIGH' self confidence is the goal. Awareness of personal shortcomings is required for growth. All kids need is love.(to sound cliche')
...And thank you so much for the beautiful b-day rendition. It was moving. I miss our lunch dates...
I am afraid that women suffer more from this malady than men so we are stuck with "sucky" hormonal/chemical combinations, to put it maturely. I agree with Enginerd that little boy's comment was out of admiration not self loathing in any way...children of that age and innocence are not capable of putting themselves in that dimension, in my opinion. But what I have noticed more than anything in parenting is how our actions teach so much louder than our words...I am reminded of that by my sweet daughters every single day...and thats a good things because it reminds me to be a better me, a more positive me, a stronger me, a wiser me...and I am grateful for that nudging reminder because as we all know life can ruff us up from day to day. And you are beautiful, all of you.
When I said "all of you" I meant every part of you...not 'all of you reading', though I do think that too.
What is with the Scharmans? We all have clarifying addendums to our comments...funny.
I agree with Enginerd also. Self esteem comes from the self. We choose to agree or disagree with everything that is told to us, it is what makes us individuals. However, I believe that as a parent I have a responsibility to surround my children with positivity. There is so much negativity in the world, the home should be a place of refuge and safety where every part of you is loved and accepted. I'm sure that you provide that to your children so then all you can do is hope that they choose to disagree with those that make them feel bad about themselves. I'm glad you found me :)
xoxoxo
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