The Duality of Motherhood

My kids are growing up. There was a time not too long ago in the not so far away world that is mine, when I actually wanted this to happen- was urging it on even. I now have a five year old, a three year old, and a one year old. My babies are not babies anymore. I sat just last week, begging them to grow up. In my head that just meant that we could play more and wipe bums less. It doesn't work that way.

Seth is such a big boy. He talks to me(in Spanish and English) really talks about how he sees the world, what makes sense to him and what leaves him wondering. He tells me plans and ideas about the future. I have come to depend on him so much for help: deciphering confrontations with other children that ended in tears and possibly bloodshed, to get things picked up and put away, to "watch" the babies while I hurry right back. Is he supposed to be so responsible? So mature? So self-sacrificing? I only know that my first born is growing up so fast- it will only get faster still.

Owen has battled from the beginning. He was born battling a shriveled, wasted kidney for his very life. He grew to battle each of us in turn. A tad bit obstinate, we knew that if we asked him to go one way- he would run in the other. I have held this little boy wondering where he got so much strength, endurance, and will. He has held out for nearly four years- refusing to use the toilet. I have yelled, cried, and washed everything we own in bleach. And then the other day, after I gave up and did what I said I would never do (buy pull-ups), he does it. He goes in the toilet now without a fight or fuss every time, day or night. And as much as I want to shout HALLELUJAH!, part of me wants to cry that my little baby is no longer little. He will now grow up even faster.

My youngest, Lucy was born with rocket boosters. The biggest, the loudest, and fastest of the three- she has almost shed her babyhood already. How is it that this little angelic girl is already the master of the house? It is impossible to look into her big blues and not see the teenager, or mother in her future. I celebrate her and miss her at the same time. But she is a baby no more.

I would have never guessed that it would be so gut wrenching to watch your children grow. And though I am with them every step of the way, I see them moving increasingly farther away from me. My greatest prayer and greatest dread is that they will leave me and be their own person. This duality of motherhood: the pride and pain, should really be included in the manual (Not that I would have read it or had any concept of its truthfulness.)

This time is so very hard- when they are young and so dependent. But I wish that I could stay here forever.